This wasn't the first time in my life that I've ever been scared of what was going to happen next. I was seven when my parents got divorced. I might have been to young to understand the entirety of it all, but I remember more than anything the sadness and fear I felt in my heart. I didn't know what was going to happen next. But it all seemed to just fall into place.
As I looked down at my stomach and realized for the first time that I was actually pregnant, I was hit by a feeling of emptiness. A feel that can only be associated with being completely and utterly lost in fear. So, I did what any normal, newly pregnant, 17 year old girl would do. And that is cry. I cried and cried for what seemed like hours. What was I going to do? How was I going to tell my mother? How was I going to tell my FATHER?! I was absolutely, 100%, completely petrified of it all.
David, the father of Phoenix, seemed to be totally comfortable with the thought of having a child so young. But I should have guessed he would be. His older sister Alena had three kids of her own and she was only 21, the oldest being five. So David had this easiness about him that I never quite understood until now.
So, I did all that I could think of doing; I thought of my options.
Option #1: Abortion. Could I really go through with something like that?
Option #2: Adoption. Eh. My father and aunt were adopted.
Option #3: Motherhood. Was I ready?
When you're pregnant, these are the only options you have. It doesn't seem like a lot. And some religions actually ban one or two of them. But I was surprised by that amount. It was almost too much for me. I wished I had only had one choice, that way I wouldn't have to choose. My life would already be planned out for me.
When my mother found out, it was with a pregnancy test. What she didn't know was that I was already two and a half, almost three months pregnant. I was totally aware that I was pregnant, but she had no clue. When she asked me if I wanted to get a pregnancy test, I asked why. She said, "I just want to be safe Rebecca." We joked around and laughed in the store as we were buying the pregnancy test. To be honest, I have no idea how I kept so calm, knowing that my mother could kill me within 30 minutes.
When we got home, I took the test. We waited and finally it said yes. Now, I don't know why, but remember when I said I cried and cried when I first realized that I was pregnant? Well, I cried twice as hard, if not harder when I read the word "Pregnant" on the test. I guess it was a true wake up call that I had truly gotten myself into one of the deepest piles of shit I could be in; A pregnant teenager.
My mother's first reaction was looking up abortions. I know now that she was afraid because she loved me and didn't want to see me hurt. But at the time, it didn't seem like it. Finally, once she calmed down (about three days later) I was able to discuss it with her more in depth.
"I'm scared for you Rebecca. I'm scared for your baby. I don't want either of you to go through any of this." All I could say was, "I know mom. I know."
So she set up an appointment at an abortion clinic for me. When I told David about it he was furious. So furious he cried on the phone with me for hours. Finally, I came to the first decision-elimination. I called the abortion clinic and cancelled my appointment, day of. Now I was down to only two options.
When I arrived at school the very next day, David was there. He had only been to the school twice in the past three weeks. Simply because he didn't feel like going, I guess. He begged me to not go through with it. When I told him I had cancelled the appointment, he dropped out of school. I guess this was his way of helping himself get a job and "man up" to him responsibilities of becoming a new father.
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