Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Truth Shall be Truth

Sometimes I feel like I'm stuck in a world with people who have never heard of the sacred "Golden Rule". I feel like the value of truth is beat down by dishonesty. I have yet to meet a 100% honest and truthful person. I'm not saying I am, but you'd think that at least one person out there has the ability to be a kind person. It breaks my heart to know that there truly might be no hope for our moral values.

As the abuse got worse, I was lost in my thoughts. David's friends and families had no idea what was going on. Only my family did. But my mother kept telling me not to go back to him, and every single time I did.

I fell so quickly for David's whole, "I promise Rebecca, it will never happen again! I love you. I'll never hurt you again." I wish now that I would have been able to see the lies in his eyes. He didn't change. And every time I went back to David he continued to hurt me. His lies grew deeper and strong with every passing time. No matter how hard I cried, or tried to break his hold on my heart and mind, I could not succeed.

As I came around the four and a half months along mark, I could feel my body and attitude towards things start to change. Not only was I starting to get a baby bump, but I was starting to get a lot more comfortable with the thought of being pregnant (a complete 180 from the beginning when I was absolutely petrified). I was so much nicer to people, and this allowed me to become calm and take a step back and observe every situation. As I began observing others challenges, I started looking at my own. I soon realized that I couldn't do this game with David any more.

David and I broke up, for the first time. We got back together when I was about five and a half months along at our first ultrasound. He was crying more than I had ever seen him when he was looking at the screen. We could see the spine, the hands, the feet... David and I were so amazed at the beautiful little life we had created. And after doing some measurements, the ultrasound technician asked us if we wanted to know the sex. David said yes and so did I. He squeezed my foot even harder than he already was, and as she came around the little baby, she pointed to what looked like a little white blob on the screen. "That is the little penis. Congratulations! You're having a boy." The technician took some pictures then left the room to go get our paper work.

David then came over to me and hugged me, crying so hard I remember his tears dripping down my back. "This is our little boy! This is Noah! We have to be together Becca! For him! For our beautiful baby boy!" I was convinced that this was it. David would finally change. He had realized how badly he was hurting me and his soon-to-be-born son. And our relationship was perfect for a while. He loved me and held me like never before. But after a month went by, near the end of the school year, he hadn't changed...

The fight that ended it all for me was the night David lost his mind. I can't remember why I was so upset, but I was crying. I was also drawing something for him. David asked me a question and I guess my answer wasn't what he wanted me to hear. He got up off the bed and flipped it over. Then he started punching the walls, then he came over to me and if I hadn't moved my leg, he would have punched it with his full force.

David started cradling his hand and screaming. When I wiped the tears away from my face I asked him what had happened to his hand. David grabbed me by the back of the neck and showed me his left pinky knuckle, all while screaming in my face, "This is what YOU do to me!! You did this to me!!! YOU!!!" As I had his knuckle pretty much shoved in my face, I saw that it had been pushed back to the middle of his hand. This was all from me giving him an answer to a question, an answer he did not like...

Like I said, this ended it for me. I couldn't feel for him anymore. He didn't love me. He didn't love his son, Noah, at least not enough to stop the abuse and keep him and his carrier safe. I felt completely lost and abandoned. I didn't know what I was going to do. I wasn't going back to David. Not this time. And I knew I could raise the baby on my own. This was the pivotal moment of my decision process.

I knew what adoption was, but could I really go through with it?... The first step to either decision was getting the fuck out of Orlando.

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